Monday, June 20, 2011

Confessions of a Mess

"The aim of life is self-development. To realize one's nature perfectly - that is what each of us is here for."
~Oscar Wilde

   In the spirit of making friends with the mess I will type this as it comes to me and publish it without proofreading or spellchecking. Watch out it could get real messy, or maybe not. They say confession is good for the soul and that subject (the soul) takes the front seat more and more in my life and it has been a LONG time since I did a formal confession, as I have gone the way of the yogi. I will give it my best shot and just might make this a serial post.
   I confess that I often find myself hooked into the pressure cooker that is epedemic, in my humble opinion, amongst us women today and for who knows how long to be PERFECT!!  The supermom/superwoman cape is made out of lead and I am sick and tired of it dragging me down. Why am I hooked in? I am hooked in by shame, by a life story of "I am not good enough.", which I think I share with a vast majority of humanity. I am hooked in by my fear of being judged, past,prsent and future. This is allabout wanting to be seen and accepted, about validation and love. The thing is that perfection is a LIE!! It does not exist. It always a facade, a put on, a hoax. And yet we buy into it and perpetuate it and perpetrate it on one other again and again. We live in a world where Real Lives of the so and so Housewives is the buzz and what many women are filling their heads with unfortunately. I watched about 10 minutes of it one day, just to see if it is bad as I imagined, and it was.
     But back to me. Somehow even though it causes me inner turmoil, triggers my I am not good enough story line and brings up feelings of guilt, I do choose again and again to do for myself. Instead of making the external facad the priority I consistently put the focus on my health and development. I would rather dance than dust, I will choose to run first and fold laundry later, I would rather spend that hour kide free doing yoga than cleaning out my closet. Don't get me wrong my house is really pretty tidy and it is completely functional but it is never everything in it's place ready for the white glove test condition. The suffering comes in with this flawed ideal, that somehow I should be able to do it all and I can't. I am not a "superwoman".
    I also do not try to do it all for my kids. I don't volunteer to go here or there just for the sake of doing. I limit the activities I let them sign on for and I don't set up an environment of entitlement for them. Just because I could give it to them does not mean I should and if I did I would be seeting them up for a whole lot of suffering and disappointment later on. I am not a "supermom". I did not stop having my own identity when I gave birth. In my core I know that is what is best for me and them but still the guilt comes, still the self doubt shows up. Parenting is messy business but I find that sometimes the mess has the most joy. When I let go of expectation and stop judging my worth based on their behavior or acheivement and let them be playful and rowdy, loud and boisterous, those are the best times.
   I confess that more often than not there are dustbunnies happily roaming the house, a few dirty dishes in the sink, stuff shoved in drawers, closets, and under beds, a mountain of laundry waiting patiently to be attended to........and it CAN WAIT!! My mentor gave me two mantras which have changed my relationship with the mess and have made it so much more magnificent. They are "I am allowed." and " Do one thing at a time, and do it fully."  When I fall into the pit of  "I am not good enough.", and I remember my mantras I can get back to my yogini self, at peace with the what is. I still have alot of work to do and I often don't remeber the mantras right away, but the tools are in place and practice will make imperfect, perfect. Hmmmm I guess this a confession turned manifesto, but so be it, it is good for the soul!!


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