Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

Goodbye is something we say a lot and often in this family.

We don't stay in one place for very long. In our kid's lifetime thus far, and in the span of twenty years of marriage, we have lived in four states, moving from the Midwest and reaching the East Coast, two countries and two separate continents. We are preparing to move to our third country of residence in the last three years. We have, in that short span of time, gone from The United States to China, and now on to Taiwan.

My husband and kids are all dual citizens of the USA and Australia and our family is divided among those two distant lands. No matter where in the world we are, we are always away from someone. Distance is an experience we are constantly aware of and living in. We are always missing someone.We love saying hello, and we know it will be followed, at some point, by the sting of goodbye.

My present state of affairs has me deep in reflection on this relentless shifting and changing of circumstance. I am confronted with the truth that nothing can stay constant. Eventually, no matter how deep our roots seem, no matter how solidly we construct our lives, things will shift beneath our feet and we will be forced to acknowledge that loss in life is unavoidable. We will all have to contend with such sweet sorrow and sometimes the sweetness will be difficult to taste.

A week ago I lost one of the most important people in my life. I knew the day was coming, and yet I seem to have allowed myself to be lost in denial. My teacher, my guru, a woman who came as an embodied angel to help me heal deep wounds of pain, fear and anger, and in turn showed me the ways of love, devotion and faith, passed on from this world.

I was not, I am not, ready to say goodbye to her. And yet, I have been shoved right off the cliff. I feel myself falling down and down. The ground I had come to rely on is crumbling out from under me, and I can do nothing to change it. She is gone, and I didn't even get to say goodbye, at least not in person. I know she can hear my heart, sense these words, I feel her presence, and yet the emptiness I am experiencing is large. She was always the light of reason and wisdom in a life that often occurs confusing and unnavigable to me. I wonder who will hold up a lantern for me now.

But I am still here.

Buddha, when he was near death, advised his students, who feared this untethering as I do now, "Be a light unto yourself."

My teacher's name was Vidya Carolyn Dell'uomo. Vidya was her spiritual name given to her by her teacher. Vidya is a Sanskrit word which means knowledge. Vidya gave me a name as well. My name is Jyotika which means light.

I will endeavor to live up to the name my teacher gave me. I will step forward into this void, into this unknown, and trust my teacher's knowledge, which I have been blessed to recieve. There will be light. She has taught me what I need to know. I carry her teaching and her love forward with me. I will serve in whatever way I can, no matter where this transient life takes me.

My teacher has moved on to a new place, and my family and I prepare now to do the same once again.

Just a few weeks from now we will have to say our goodbyes to the friends we have made here in Shanghai. I will say farewell to yoga students, my husband will say goodbye to colleagues and our kids will say goodbye to peers and teachers. We probably will see very few of these people again, and we love them. We will carry them in our hearts and good memories, we are bigger and better, we are wiser and stronger for having known all of them.

Now our course is set. We are moving on. The winds of change and impermanence are blowing.These winds blow on all of our sails, and move through all of our lives. As all things begin, all things eventually must end. If it were not so, we would miss all the beauty of life. We see beauty because it must be savored. When we are touched by impermanence and loss we are reminded to appreciate the sweetness of all we have today, and though things will come and go, it is that truth that sparks our senses and wakes us to full aliveness. And yes, it brings suffering and heartache sometimes as well.

People, at times, have wondered at this transient life we are living with our family. Occasionally people have questioned me about the negative impact it might have on our children. They point out how challenging it must be for them to have to say goodbye to friends, move on, and start again.

I can only speak for my family and our experience of this. It has its difficulties for each of us to be sure, but it teaches us to cherish what is in front of us while it is there. It teaches us to be grateful and not take anyone or anything for granted. Yes, it hurts sometimes. Yes, my children have had tears and upset, but they have also learned the value of relationship and kindness. No one can be foreign or strange to them because they have seen how the world is inextricably interconnected, and people all across the globe are in this together. Every life is transient and impermanent, but love, the stuff of our souls, is eternal, and keeps us always together.

Life is short. We journey together for now, but even these children will soon set sail in different directions. I hope to have shown them the way of their own lights and loving hearts. We are always and forever connected by love, that is what matters, that is the direction towards which I hope to always set my course until I too move on at the end and the beginning of things.

"Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation."  ~ Rumi

For My Teacher a Poem of Love

This poem is dedicated to the memory of my spiritual teacher and mentor, Vidya Carolyn Dell'uomo, the path of love she put me on, the teachings of Swami Kripalu and my beloved Acharya family. May we all awaken to our true nature which is pure and infinite love.

Essential Life Principles as Taught By My Dog

 

I am definitely a dog person, always have been. When I was little I used to wish on every star in the sky, every furry dandelion, every birthday cake, for a dog all my own. My wish eventually came true and my first dog brought me abundant joy and happiness.

I have had a few dogs since my childhood pooch, named Sparky. I live in China now, on expat assignment with my husband and three of our children.We had to make the heartbreaking decision to leave our beloved dog Evan behind when we came here, and I thought we would be dogless during this adventure abroad. Then, as luck would have it, our Mandarin teacher told us she had rescued a wonderful dog named Dahei, and she felt Dahei would be the perfect pet for us. Stephen and I resisted at first, but eventually agreed to meet her. Dahei arrived at our home on a Thursday evening last spring and she has been here ever since. She quickly became a full fledged member of our family, but I feel she has been an angel, a healer, and a teacher in a special way for me. When she arrived I was going through a spell of deep loneliness and depression. I believe in my heart, she was sent to be my companion and to be my daily reminder of these most important life principles. I am blessed to have her by my side each and every day.

These are the essential life principles my dogs have taught me:

~ It is of absolute importance to go outside at least once every single day. ~

Okay, barring illness or other events that truly make this impossible, this is a must do for our health, our sanity, and I believe, our spiritual growth. Even if you are not the outdoorsy type, we all benefit from breathing in fresh air, feeling our feet on mama earth, experiencing the beauty of the world around us. It kindles our aliveness to watch the changing seasons, observing how things come and go, the beauty of flowers, the smell of rain, warm sun on your face, catching snowflakes on your tongue. When I go outside I remember who I am, part of this glorious world, so captivating, so beautiful.

Dahei does not let me go a day without stepping outdoors for a walk or three or four.

~Stay curious.~

Dogs head out the door each day eager to check out their surroundings and see what the day has to offer; what new sights, smells, sounds and tastes are waiting to be discovered today! Dahei has her favorite walking routes, but each time she travels them she does so with great attention and interest. She uses all her senses and I can see her visibly perk up when she detects something new or intriguing. Even though her kingdom is relatively small in area it is infinite in possibility and she engages it as such.

What a difference it would make in our lives if we could harness such enthusiasm and interest in our daily routines and approach even what seems boring or mundane with curiosity. Dahei points things out to me that I would gloss over on my own, new flowers that have bloomed, a bird in a tree, the smell of the air and earth. Such miraculous and incredible things are all around us to witness and explore. Be curious!

~ Do one thing at a time and do it fully. ~

We have become a multitasking world. I often notice that I am doing something, but my mind is elsewhere, or I am trying to kill seven birds with one stone and end up feeling scattered and anxious.
I end up doing many things in a half ass sort of way and I miss the total experience of each action. I am there, but not really there. The antidote for this is presence and mindfulness.
These are skills that can be practiced and cultivated, and lord do we need them!

 "It’s about living your life as if it really mattered, moment by moment by moment by moment.” " Jon Kabat-Zinn

Dogs are fabulous mindfulness teachers. Dahei does one thing at a time and she does just that one thing. When she is playing she is full on, tearing around at full speed, leaping, throwing her toy around wildly while she growls like a fierce forest hunter. When she eats she fully engages her food, everything else seems to disappear for her. She might not chew as much as she should, but she delights in the feast when the feast is on. When she sleeps, she sinks in fast and deep, she sprawls out or curls in, but it is clear, looking at her, her rest is profound and complete.


~ Unconditional love is real.~
 
Love in this life is often complicated, messy. It is easy to fall into a pathology of pleasing or put stone walls of protection up around our tender hearts. I look around sometimes and become terrified by all the anger and judgment I see. It becomes a risky proposition to show up and be open and honest with others about who we are, what we think, how we feel. People might not be able to stomach our idiosyncrasies, bad habits, our shadow parts, or perhaps we shine too bright, have a little too much sparkle in our step. We can end up either too big, too small, too this or not enough of that. And yet, we all thirst for the very same love and acceptance that can seem elusive at times. That kind of love and acceptance is possible. Not only that, it lives in the very heart and soul of each of us, it gets lost in our upbringing, our indoctrination into propriety and a culture riddled with scarcity mentality.

Dahei loves me every second of every day no matter what. She adores me in the morning, bedhead, coffee breath, grunting and groaning, as I creak back to life. She loves me when I am happy and playful, equally when I am bitchy, spiteful, sad, anxious or depressed. She wags her tail unfailingly, and with great enthusiasm every time I walk in the door, whether I have been out for five hours or five minutes. Her love shines on me and our family without fail, constant and true. Unconditional love, she gives it and in turn we learn how to receive and give it as well.

~Never give up on life.~

My last two dogs have been rescue dogs. Dahei had a particularly harrowing start to life. She was abandoned on a construction site in the cold of winter in Shanghai. She had no shelter from the elements, she only had garbage for food, and in her situation in China, she was in grave danger of becoming someone's food herself. Dahei survived all of this harsh and hopeless circumstance and her will to survive led her to us. Believe me, her life is as different now as it could possibly be because she hung in there. Miracles can happen. Life can change.

If you are thinking of getting a dog, wishing on stars, dandelions or birthday cakes like me, please consider adopting a rescue dog. These dogs are also wishing on the stars for you to let them into your life and bring you the gifts of love and companionship, loyal and true.

You may think you will put all the effort in training and teaching your dog, but the truth is your dog will have much more to teach you.

Bird's Wings

what a bird reveals
in one gesture of her wings
freedom is simple

the dance

beetle belly up
dances his distress skyward
or perhaps delight