I sit and look out the window.
I am preoccupied with what to say here. Willing some words to rise to the surface of my mind.
I went to the doctor today, she talked to me about menopause.
I feel so young, not quite grown.
I wanted to catch that word and throw it away.
I want to grab back time.
There is so much of it I did not use to the fullest. I get scared or can't see it all, can't always see myself.
Regret and resentment grow there.
It was not always my fault. Sometimes it is though.
I think that as I sit at this keyboard looking out a window lost for words.
Grief is not just for the dead.
Many things have been lost along the way.
Parts and pieces of a life still being lived.
But sometimes in that feeling of not knowing what to do now or next, that can feel so wasteful, something happens.
I look out the window struggling with all this, panic rising at the time rushing away, the word menopause, no words of my own, my kids grown, getting old, all the things left undone...
In the very moment that my heart breaks, two dazzling bluebirds land on the bare winter tree just outside.
Perfect and beautiful.