Porpoise

I have a little plastic porpoise on my altar.

A dear friend gave it to me one summer on retreat. He smiled and said, "I heard you are trying to find your life porpoise."

We laughed. But it was true. A deep cutting truth.

Purpose. What is it?

I have four beautiful children.

I have done other things, but motherhood has been my vocation, and I have done it pretty well. I have made mistakes and done harm, but if we are honest we all do.

It should be enough. I tell myself that.

But I remain hungry, unsettled.

Haunted by things that might have been. Hunted by what the world seems hell bent on having me believe.

I should have done that. I should be doing this.

Get followers, make a brand, market and package and push.

I have swallowed these messages, even though they hurt me. I do not judge myself for that.

That same friend also drew an angel for me. The angel of discernment. This angel is stark, shadowed, and weilds a mighty sword.

I call on that angel. He sits on my altar and holds my little plastic porpoise.