Rambling

No one is here. I have not published anything on this blog in a long time, so I am assuming a readership of zero. But if you are here you most certainly are no more no one than I am.

I am someone. I just have no clear sense of self right now.

I have achieved the yoga mantra of nowhere to go, nothing to do, no one to be.

Monday through Friday from 7:30 am to 3:00 pm that is the actual state of my life. I could lay on the couch all day in my pajamas and no one would know or care. And why am I so very not ok with that concept?? Seriously.

It is so quiet in the house that it is agitating. I go out walking in the woods and I notice
how unquiet it is out there. I am hearing more and more layers of wild sound.

I am lonely. A long distance friend commented to me about this yesterday, she said loneliness is real. A lot of times people don't acknowledge that.

I thought this morning, as I stood in a towel, clean,warm, and fresh...ramble. Just get on your fucking blog that no one will see probably anyway and ramble. Maybe it will be freeing, medicinal, or even if it is just shit...so what.

I went to yoga class this morning. I didn't talk to anyone. I have no friends locally, and I lack the energy to try any more than just physically showing up in a room with other human beings, and I have to force myself to do that.

There was a youngish woman in the class who made various vocal tones and sighs, sometimes I thought she was crying. She did not follow the instructor. She was dressed in clashing colors and prints. I thought, wow, she is weird, maybe she has serious issues, maybe she is a bit unhinged. I thought, she could be my friend. I wanted to hug her so badly, but I didn't.

During yoga class the instructor at one point gave us permission to let out whatever sound was arising naturally, whatever felt right in the moment. I wanted to scream and howl and curse. I let out the softest sigh. No one heard my sound but me.

I am going out in the woods now. It is my daily resuscitation. My church. My home.

Outside is saving my life on the daily. Nature has always stayed. She doesn't bullshit, she doesn't back stab, she takes me as I am with no judgment. She has not once abandoned me, she always stays.

People leave. People have left me and I have left people. I feel bad about being part of that. I am only human. Sad excuse though.

Outside.

On my walk I saw a group of four deer. They paused, looked at me, and bounded off in the most graceful way. I also saw so many leaves dying a beautiful death. Grace.

There is so much beauty and so much grace, in this world, in you, in me, all around.

Gee, I like rambling. Maybe it is my new thing. Maybe it is a way to get honest. To get real.