Hiking this morning with hubby. Feeling so alive out in the woods at the rivers edge, off trail, skirting around rock ledge, on an almost cliff, just enough danger to warm me up from the cold air.
Earth will hold and sustain us, but she also demands presence and respect, attention, when we dare to go out in the wilds, the water, the cliff edge...if we are not respecting her with our full attention she will fuck us up. It isn't personal, it is just her way.
Even if you are fully present and aware, things can happen out there, and they do. That is reality, we are vulnerable, things get destoyed, it is not personal. It is inevitable. We are guaranteed nothing.
Being born, existing, dying, are all we are entitled to in the natural world. And none of that is inherently personal.
Nature is beautiful, nature is brutal. That is honest. We are part of that nature.
The song "Lovesong" from the Disintegration album by The Cure was on the radio today. I listened to that album nearly every night of my freshman year of college. It lulled me to sleep with its deep and earthy tones, sadness and falling felt. Letting go into weighted, heavy, grieving places.
To disintegrate is something I pray for too, it is like death but still breathing. That way of dying in life. A way to freedom.
What I want most is freedom.
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