"When God is moving you toward a new consciousness, you need to recognize the winds of change at once, move with them instead of clinging to what is already gone." ~ Marion Woodman
The winds of change are blowing at a good clip right now in my life. I know they will only become stronger in the coming weeks, strong enough to lift my entire family up and drop us into a foreign land.
I find myself in a space that my teacher Vidya calls "in the midst", in between worlds, at the crossroads, hanging out in the void. It is interesting to feel a kind of dissolving of my current life happening day by day. Yesterday I taught my last class to a very loyal group of students, the last class with them for I don't know how long, maybe ever. There is a loss in these endings that has a quality of deathlike finality, because the truth is, even if I do return to this town and these same classes someday, they won't be the same. I won't be the same, the students won't be the same. It is assuredly the end of this life, at least in the way it has been.
It makes me think of a lyric from a song I loved back in the day, "It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine." ~ R.E.M.
My world as I have known it is crumbling and I am being toppled headfirst into the unknown. A death is occurring and as a consequence a rebirth. As I let go of clinging to what is already gone I can shift my focus onto what is happening now and what possibilities lie ahead. As a yogini on the path, seeking clarity, inner awakening and ultimately liberation there is so much here to inquire into, to feel and process.
In China I will be completely anonymous. No one will know a single thing about me. The one external constant will be my role in my family, mother and wife, but other than that it is a clean slate. Which begs the question so many people have asked me and which I ask of myself too, " What will I do over there?" Huh, what WILL I DO??
There is a part of me that has a pattern of feeling that my value is measured by my "doings", having a full and hectic schedule, getting things done and feeling productive. This pattern has at times robbed me of needed rest, time to reflect, time to just be.
So the first thing I will do will be to do nothing more than what each moment of each day requires. I will take time to settle, attend to my family, breathe and feel, be present. I will take time to land and reflect on this quality of being empty. I will embrace emptiness and become still so I can use all my senses to look inside, taking time to be with me.
Wow! Amazing how it has taken this coming move to China to get me to see the certain value in this. Going on a retreat from my external identity that is sometimes wrapped up in ego and accomplishment, desire and aversion, is ripe with potential soul growth. Stepping away from things that are fulfilling but also energy consuming and sometimes a source of fatigue and frustration could be a great healing.
I want to take this transformational circumstance and dive deep into it, and by doing so dive deep into me. I will shift my focus from being a teacher of yoga and return fully to being a student of yoga, step back to self discovery and become even more of who I am.
I intend to just make space for whatever will show up, outside, and more importantly inside of me. I want to be wide awake to the wonder and adventure, as well as the sadness and loneliness that will come. I want to be a vessel of experience and insight, whether that experience shows up as delight or struggle.
Even if you are not moving to China maybe you need some of this too. More inner looking than outer doing. Pausing to slow down and empty out, to get back to the bare bones of who you are. Spaces to be in feeling instead of rushing to the next item on the to do list and staying numb.
Transformation is always happening, sometimes it is big, fiery and all consuming or more often it lives in life's subtleties, ordinary exchanges with friends and family, small choices and daily commitments. Things are constantly coming and going, moments live and die away, pieces of who we are also have a time and then pass away. The cycles of life and death are always turning. Our dharma, or soul work, is to look, listen, feel, act and create so that these opportunities for growth are more often taken than left aside. Sometimes the best action is a seeming inaction. Taking time to get quiet, so we can hear the music of our own souls and come to know ourselves completely. In knowing one's self, evolution becomes automatic.
The only sure thing is change.
"It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine."
Here is a link to the song from the soundtrack of my life.