Deja Vu All Over Again

   It seems that mother nature is trying to tell us something here in Connecticut. At the end of August we had Hurricane Irene come in and rock our boats, leave behind damage, and for many, including my family, days without power. Irene was said to be unprecedented in the usually undramatic weather world of this region, so once power was restored and clean up began, we all said how glad we were to have that all behind us. Then two weeks ago the weatherman started talking about a nor'easter making it's way with it's sights set on us. There were warnings that it could wallop us with 6-12 inches of snow and take out power lines. When all was said and done, for the interior portions of Connecticut, Albert showed us that we had not seen anything yet.

We lost power in our house for nearly seven days, and right now there are still people with no power.This storm took trees down in every yard and street, tangles of power and cable lines hung down lifeless. In my town this scene made Irene seem small and insignificant, and yet again, miraculously most homes managed to dodge the barrage of limbs and trees. It could have been so much worse. The ensuing days of kids home from school, with a symphony of generators as a soundtrack, was tiring and stress levels rose each day. Even now people are angry about how long they had to go without power. Investigations have been launched and fingers are being pointed furiously. And yes, I think it could have been done better, and adjustments need to be made. I admit I felt whiny, irritated, and impatient.

Since the event, I have been thinking about what the lesson is here for me in particular. What has come up for me is a realization that I have entitlement issues. This is somewhat amusing, as I am one who has talked to other parents about the problem of entitlement that I see amongst the kids in this community and what I do to parent around this. As dramatic as the loss of power, phone etc. seemed at the time, I have to admit it was really no big deal at all for me. I did not suffer any real hardship, none at all. We have a generator so we did not lose food, we had heat and hot water and even a television. I know these were the conditions for a lot of families, and those who did not have generators had an easily accessible shelter or went to hotels or to stay with relatives. And yet, the complaining and woe is us attitude has been pervasive, and yes, I am pointing this finger squarely in my own direction.

What is the problem here? The problem is that I take too many things for granted and have a very limited view of the world and life from where I am. Sure, I read or watch the news and know that in other places, other towns, states, countries there is poverty, famine, and real disasters where people die and lose everything they have. There are places where most of the people have never had all of these things that I assume should be there for me, food, water, electricity, schools. If these people heard my complaining over this non event I think they would probably want to laugh in my face or more likely punch me in it, and I would not blame them.

What Albert came to remind me is that things can happen and everything I take for granted could as easily be taken from me. What can't be taken from me though, is my ability to grow and expand, my compassion and my gratitude, the capacity to love. These are infinite sources of power no matter what circumstances might come. Thanks Irene and Albert, I won't miss you but I appreciate what you taught me.

My New Mantra

   I have decided to take on a mantra for this year and it is "Don't Try So Hard!". In a recent conversation with one of my wise teachers we examined my tendency to hold myself to a strict and high standard especially in my yoga teaching, and how I beat myself up when I feel I have not performed or shown up the way I want to. I try so very hard, and what it is really about is feeling I need to prove myself worthy. The problem is that that place that seeks to be filled is never satisfied, no matter how hard I might try or how good I might be. This method is madness.

   There is a saying, "When you know better, you do better.", I am finally identifying and owning this dysfunctional pattern and now with my mantra as my guide I can continue to make friends with this wounded space and give it what it needs to heal. I have already made some real progress and find myself being less reactive when I make a mistake or things don't come out exceptional in my mind.
I remember in the module on transformational teaching in my 500 hour yoga teacher training Vidya and Devarshi saying "Hear the truth. You are already perfect, complete, infinite and whole just as you are.".  I wanted to believe that concept and in truth the deepest part of me did, but this black hole wound kept it from shining through. It is faith in those words though which will fill the hole, nothing else will.

  Imagine what it would be like if we all took on this mantra and treated ourselves with less strictness and judgment. What if instead of "Do more, try harder." we could embrace "Do less, be softer."?  I don't think this is a call to apathy or laziness. I think it is a call to balance and respect of energy.  A good friend recently said to me in a conversation about this very topic of my insecurity in teaching, "Just be yourself, and it will be perfect.", and now I pass that on to you. Whatever you do in any moment, just be yourself, and know, really know, breathe it in, that that is enough.       
      
 

Looking Back on the Thirties, Moving Forward Into the Forties

"Forty is a most beautiful age. In mystic thought forty symbolizes the ascent from one level to a higher one and spiritual awakening. When a baby is born it takes forty days for him to get ready to start life on earth. And when we are in love we need to wait forty days to be sure of our feelings. The Flood of Noah lasted forty days, and while the waters destroyed life, they also washed all impurity away. In Islamic mysticism there are forty degrees between man and God. Likewise there are four basic stages of consciousness and ten degrees in each making forty total levels. Jesus went into the wilderness for forty days and nights. Muhammad was forty years old when he received the call to become a prophet. Buddha meditated under the linden tree for forty days. You receive a new mission at forty, a new lease on life! You have reached a most auspicious number. Congratulations! There are no wrinkles or gray hair strong enough to defy the power of forty!" ~ from "The Forty Rules of Love ~ A Novel of Rumi" by Elif Shafak

I turned forty today. I must say I am excited about entering this next decade. As opposed to my teens, twenties and even much of my thirties I feel grounded and secure. I know what moves me, I know what I love (and what I don't), I feel alive and vital and have a growing sense of my depth of spirit and with all the work and wonder, adventure and agony, fear and ferocity that has gotten me thus far I am tingling with anticipation of what lies ahead.

My teens and early twenties were very difficult and painful years for me. I struggled with low self -esteem , depression and anxiety. I made a lot of bad choices and by the grace of God got by without suffering the full consequences of those choices. I was very unhealthy. I drank, smoked and did everything to excess. Most of all I was a lost soul who had no sense of self or worthiness. No direction.

My twenties were about beginning to reclaim myself and to begin the difficult work of self inquiry and inspection. In my twenties I found love and got married, began to realize that I have value and ability, that I had more potential and courage than I had ever recognized before. By the end of my twenties I had done much soul searching, crying, battling, adventuring and questioning. I had two children by the age of twenty nine and despite my terror about being a mother I loved them intensely from the fist moment they each arrived.

My thirties have been a true decade of transformation, revolution and coming home. My thirties have been a WOW, never thought that would happen, amazing journey with a voice whispering to me along the way "Remember who you are." In this transformation have been struggles and mistakes and heartbreak but coupled with so much joy and awakening unlike ever before. So as I leave this marvelous and messy decade behind I want to acknowledge here, with gratitude, some of the wonderful things it has brought me.

~ Two more daughters.  Meg who came to us through foster care at the age of 12 and then we became her legal guardians, and the birth of Harper. Mason is our son and eldest turning 13 soon, and Avery our other daughter is 10.

~ I found yoga and knew immediately it would be my life calling. Yoga is my way of being and my spiritual path.

~ I explored art and photography and have shown in galleries.

~Became a yoga teacher. First earning my 200 hour and then my 500 hour certificates.

~ I have moved to the East Coast, with my amazing husband and kids and have been in New York and now Connecticut (close to my spiritual home Kripalu Center).

~ I met Jill Perry and with her help and guidance have become a marathon runner. NEVER thought I could or would ever achieve that!

~ Started Whole Running with Jill Perry. Starting and running a small business another never would have thought.

~ Found Yoga Dance and beloved teacher Megha who has been like my mother of dance. She showed me the way home to the dancer I have always been. Became a Let Your Yoga Dance teacher and now assist the trainings.

~ Found my spiritual teacher Vidya Ma who showed me that miracles do happen because we made one happen.

~ I am currently in a yearlong teacher training called The Acharya Intensive with Vidya Ma and Devarshi learning and exploring what it means to be a spiritual teacher. ME a SPIRITUAL TEACHER?  Yes, everything in me knows I am where I am supposed to be.

I feel so very blessed for all that I have and for the learning I have received thus far. I look forward to experiencing and celebrating all that is to come whether it be happiness or hardship. All experience arrives right on time and for good reason to further our growth and awakening. Everything calls us home to love, the true and endless nature of all of us.

To end here is a quote that showed up on Facebook today.

  an excerpt from Universal Birthday Messages
by Shri Brahmananda Sarasvati
...
The first and last command of the inner Guru is this: not to have identity with the body and mind. You are not the body and mind, although you have a body and mind. Body and mind are your vehicles. They depend on you.
They are alive because of you; otherwise, they are already dead.

You are the ocean of awareness, and that awareness is the first and last religion, the first and last freedom. Awareness is your real home, which is called OM.


   

Marvelous Mess Ups in a Yoga Class Gone Right

 I spent this past week at my spiritual home in this life, Kripalu Center, in the beautiful Berkshires of Massachusetts. I was there doing one of the things I love most, assisting Let Your Yoga Dance teacher training. One of my jobs in the program is to lead morning yoga class for our group. My first time up came Tuesday morning and I was feeling quite nervous as there were several fabulous and experienced yoga teachers in the group, as well as some people with little yoga experience at all. I am a planner and bit of a control freak with my classes and I hold high expectations of myself. I spent Monday night writing my plan and feeling the sequencing, and then dreamt of it during my sparse sleep that night.

  I arrived in the room early to move, breathe, and find my courage as well as my center. At 6:30 a.m. everyone had arrived and class began. As I got the group moving in gentle warm ups, I found my rhythm and was feeling connected and at ease. We eventually made our way into a sequence of spinal movements and flow, a graceful dance of movement and breath. My planned transition came and then a voice from the front of the room asked, "Don't we need to do the other side?".  My heart skipped a beat and my breath caught in my throat. I waited to feel the crushing pain of my mistake, my heartbreak in the failure. Instead, to my own shock and surprise, it did not come, and instead I found myself smiling, with a light heart. I made a comment about being a little vata (airy) and saying that of course we will do the other side. That was that, a moment of experience, and then it was gone.

  I continued class, found my flow again, and in no time relaxation was upon us. I put on some dreamy music and gave the class guidance in letting go and finding stillness. I could feel the energy of the room become quiet and expansive and I felt quite happy and complete. That is when the fire alarm went off. Again, I paused to receive the panic and resistance, and again it did not come. Instead I found another inner smile and giggle, and I spoke into the microphone in a deep slow tone, "Your relaxation has come to an end. (and then a quick deadpan) Om shanti. Run for your lives." Everyone rose up with laughter fluttering through the room, and we made our way outside.  It was cool and rainy but I took deep breaths and just kept smiling.

  Afterward, I felt such a glowing pride and sense of victory.  I have a strong and sometimes brutal inner critic and tend to hold myself to strict standards from a fear of rejection. God forbid I would make a mistake or lose control, then everyone would see my flawed messy self and be done with me. Ridiculous and irrational? Yes, but who isn't, in these soft, tender, hidden regions? Chances are you might feel this way too and now you know you are not alone. Victory is possible. On this day, in this class, a miracle happened. The miracle of me finding compassion instead of criticism, for no one but myself. I found my natural sense of humor and lightness of being. I received experience without attachment or judgment. I encountered my witness consciousness in a place where it would usually succumb to the strong forces of my story of rejection. Wow, what a blessing, what a rush of freedom!

 I am sure that this is a part of myself that I will face again and again, but I now have a jumping off point to go to. I have a new storyline and a new way of being with this part of myself.  I know and I teach that the only way to heal fully is to embrace all parts of ourselves, the parts we love and the parts we disdain. Yoga means union, to welcome it all and find the marvelous miracle of who we are, even in the mess, the loss of control, the undoing of plans. Yoga is learning to love ourselves without exception or condition, a difficult practice, but one full of grace.

Om shanti.   

Words to Live By (or at least they are for me)

This poem by the Sufi poet Rumi has helped me through when life has seemed too difficult, through times when I have questioned my own feelings and experiences. It has helped me when things have seemed unfair or uncertain, or when I have been hurt. This poem has served as my guide and companion, my mantra and my prayer.

 As I prepare to turn forty, I feel an energetic shift emerging, a change of tides, and Rumi has been popping up very frequently around me. Recently, I was at the library with a book in hand, ready to leave, when something told me to look on the other side of the shelf. I walked around, and the crimson and yellow detail of a cover caught my eye. I picked up that book and the title was "The Forty Rules of Love - A Novel of Rumi" (Elif Shafak). Of course, I knew this book had my name on it.  I checked it out, went home and began to read. I got goosebumps when I realized that this book contained not only a story of Rumi, but another main storyline about a women on the verge of forty. Wow, coincidence, I think not.  So, I hope if you have never heard of Rumi before this poem will open the door. 

I think of Rumi as one of my guardian angels in this life and I feel a debt of gratitude to him in my heart and my soul.  Light and love to all.      




The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ Rumi ~

(The Essential Rumi, versions by Coleman Barks)

Autumn and Moving Inward

  Fall has arrived! In my yoga class today I talked about fall being a shift in energy from the outward flow of spring and summer, towards introspective energy which lasts through winter. In fact, this dance of expansion and contraction is everywhere, all around us. It is the pulse of the universe itself.

 Our breath is a flow of expansion and contraction, our heart beats by constriction and release, every cell of our body joins in this rhythm. The seasons follow this energetic loop. Spring and summer are times of birth and growth, the expanding energy. Fall and winter are times of drawing inward, conservation and stillness. All of this is emblematic of the cycles of birth and death, both figurative and actual.

  Use this season as a time to nurture and sustain yourself. Relish the crispness that calls you to cuddle up under a blanket, or next to a fire, to read a good book or write in your journal. Get out and enjoy the beauty and bounty of the season and then take time to meditate and reflect. Allow yourself the opportunity to dig into the rich soil of experience and to plant seeds of intention for new growth.  Also let this be a time of deep surrender, to let go of things that are no longer useful or healthy, giving them back to the earth. Fall is a special time of gathering, pausing, inspecting, slowing down to be nourished and replenished, so the seeds of new growth and possibility can begin to take root.

Happy fall!! Namaste.   
,

Bust a Move!

  In my last post I talked about trying new things and bringing aspirations and dreams to life. I also believe in trying to practice what I preach. In that spirit I went to my first hip-hop dance class last night.

I have always loved to dance but have never received any sort of formal dance training. I am a certified Yoga Dance teacher and that training opened me up to new worlds and possibilities of movement. It brought me home to and validated the dancer in me unlike anything before, but to take a straight up dance class at a dance school caused me a bit of trepidation. What if I found myself ungraceful and uncoordinated? What if I couldn't get it? What if I am not good enough? That last question is the perennial one of my life, it is the fear that I walk through, and it runs deep. Somehow, when it matters, I have found ways to challenge that fear and show up. My slogan could be, "I am terrified most of the time but I just show up anyway."

    I tell yoga students very often to be a C student, I say in this blog that the beauty of life is not in perfection, it is in embracing and loving the mess, and I reminded myself of that on the drive over. I got to the class and softened as I saw some of my friends there, and those of us who were first timers supported each other and got encouragment from the veterans. We went into the studio and I found a good hiding spot at the back of the room and focused on my yogic breathing. Then the lights dimmed and the music came on and I found myself, as I always do, in the beat and primal pulse of the music, and we began to dance. I watched the steps carefully and fumbled around a bit, but then I allowed my body to do the thinking and I began to get it! By the end of the class I was lit up, having fun and busting a move. After class, the teacher said to me " Hey, you were really good, you were jamming back there! Not bad for a yoga chick."  Yep, this yoga chick was a bit terrified but showed up anyway and found her groove. Now, repeat again and again, looking inward and moving and grooving forward.

Dance on everybody, whatever your dance might be! Go ahead, bust a move!