Living Bliss: Part 1

  I recently co-led a workshop for women called "Live Your Bliss".  As I worked on my plans for this day of inquiry a question presented itself, a very important question. What is bliss? I started my quest to explore this question by first looking up the word in the dictionary. Merriam-Webster defines bliss: 1. complete happiness  2. paradise, heaven. Wow, that is a tall order it would seem, for even five minutes and now looking to live it! What is the path that leads to bliss?  Is it possible?

 I think the first step is to examine how we define happiness and where we look for it. We live in a culture that has conditioned us to look for happiness outside ourselves. If you have this career, that house, the right car, designer clothes, the right look, and so on, you will be happy. In fact, these things do bring a kind of happiness and pleasure, but it is fleeting, it wears off and then we need more. This creates a never ending cycle of trying harder, doing more, grasping and clinging and always looking to the next thing we think will bring us that bliss.

 The result is that we end up living a life of chasing down happiness and lose our connection to the abundance of now. We get lost in a stream of  "when this or that happens, when I achieve or have........then I will be happy." Then when we get or achieve that very thing the happiness comes and we feel satisfied, but the feeling slips away and we set our sights on another future conquest of joy. I know all about this pattern of behavior I have lived it and continue to feel its pull, find myself in its grip.

  I have also had the great fortune of getting on the path of yoga. I have been blessed with wise teachers and opportunities for deep exploration and learning. On this path I have learned about a different way to be, and as I practice I continue to learn how to recognize and respond to this tendency to grasp, cling, and desire that one next thing, chasing the fix of temporary bliss.

 I have learned that real bliss is found by looking inward, living in the present moment, allowing for all experience and feeling , to be rooted in the body and the breath. When discontentment and feelings of emptiness arise or when we are driven by the illusion of attainment bringing fulfillment, it is useful to pause, take deep breaths, land in the body, and experience what is true and real right now. Usually in the moment, looking inward, all is well. To sense and feel the simple abundance of breath, heart, body and spirit is true contentment, the gateway to bliss.

When we learn to live in the foundation of presence and breath, and invest in our inner work, then we can even more fully enjoy the moments of achievement and the richness in our lives but not rely upon outer trappings to sustain a sense of fulfilled self.                

Spring It On!

  Yesterday was the first day of spring or the spring equinox. Looking around, the beauty of this season of renewal and expansion is beginning to blossom, literally. Spring is full of potential and awakening, it is a harbinger of birth and transformation. This first day of spring however, is rooted in the energies of balance, a special day in which day and night are equal. It is a reminder that even as we make plans and prepare to burst forth that it is wise to pause, find some solid ground, check in with our energy levels, do some self care. A reminder that giant leaps forward need to be accompanied by generous rest and nourishment.

Spring is a great time to dream big, make plans, embrace changes that spur our growth and evolution. It is a season ripe for transformation calling us to blossom into the fullness of life.

Dance under the sun and stars. Listen to, see, smell, touch and taste the magic of natures graceful awakening. Align with your own deep calling and open to the universe of potential, the seed of possibility ready to burst forth and bring dreams into manifestation. Spring it on and also care for it, care for you, with tenderness and love.           

Things I Learned From Drag Queens

  This past weekend I went to New York City with a dear dancing friend of mine. We were kid and fancy free. We wandered our way around with plans to take in a couple shows. We went to a matinee of Mama Mia which was alright but seemed a bit flat, off day for the cast I guess. Wicked was next on our most wanted to see list but the only tickets available were 300 dollars or more. So we decided that Priscilla Queen of the Desert might be interesting and a few random friends (read strangers we spontaneously engaged in conversation) said it was a riot.

  Well a riot it was indeed! The song and dance filled story of three drag queens traveling through Australia so that one of them can finally meet his son was wild and playful, visually stunning with 600 costume changes that were each more dazzling and outrageous than the last. I smiled and laughed, and sat awestruck with delicious joy for all but the few scenes that reminded the audience of the reality of intolerance and hate that many people in this world would have experienced in place of the sheer unadulterated blast of happiness that we in that theatre shared.

  The show reminded me of the year I spent studying in Spain during college. I lived with a French guy named Gilles who was very openly gay. We had so much fun that year and one of our favorite things to do on the weekend was to go to the drag shows. I was nervous the first time we went that I would be the one to experience exclusion, staring eyes telling me that I had no business being there, but when we walked in not a single eyelash was batted, I was just another party goer. As we watched the show I remember having that same feeling of exhilaration, adoration and delight.  Eventually we got to know some of the performers and I loved talking and laughing with them.  I was young and insecure and they would always talk about going for it in life, being who you are and making no apologies for that. These were some of the wisest women I have encountered and anatomy had nothing to do with it.

These past few days I have found myself thinking about what I felt while watching Priscilla Queen of the Desert and what I have learned from drag queens. Here is what came to me.

~ song and dance are powerful forces that bring people together
~ everyone could use more sparkle in their life
~ who you are on the inside always trumps what you look like on the outside
~ life is best experienced with a slathering of laughter and a dollop of irreverence
~ when confronted by fear or dark forces diva walk right through them
 ~ it is also OK to be afraid, to be vulnerable, to cry
~ know who your true and loyal friends are and love them big time
~ sensuality and sexuality are part of this human experience and should carry no shame, guilt, or judgment for anyone, gay, straight, bisexual or transgender
~ don't give in to hate and don't let other people's hate infect you (don't hate the haters)
~ be who you are and make no apologies

and last but most important:

WE ARE FAMILY!!




 

     

That Is My Story: Life On The High Wire

      My life is a bit like a juggling act. I have many roles and responsibilities on my plate and no real structure to hold it together. So actually it is like a juggling act performed on a high wire. There are times when I have just a few balls in the air and it flows with ease, but then there are times when I have innumerable balls to handle and it feels like either they will fall and shatter on the ground, or I will, or both. Reality check, this is a story, an imagining, a construct of my mind. The to do list has a basis in the reality of my life but my reaction to it is of my own creation. So it is in life, there is reality and then there is the story we create about it. This is my story.

 Yesterday morning I got up, tired and cranky, primed for drama. I went to look at my calendar and what I saw was overwhelming, the month is just starting and the page already looked mangled and defaced with my various scribbles of appointments, classes to teach, activities for the kids and so on. The mere sight of it made me begin to waiver. I felt suffocated and unsteady. I began to panic about all the balls I could drop and how I might fall. If I should fall there would be no net, in fact what would be waiting for me is the razor sharp jaws of failure, hungry and eager to crush me. My fear erupted and my husband was in its path. I proceeded to share this story with him, and not in a kind way. I whined and wailed about the crushing pressure, the lack of support from him or anyone, my certain failure coming, just a matter of time. Drama, drama, drama. 

 Don't get me wrong, I do have a lot to deal with and so does the rest of the world. It does get crazy and chaotic, a circus if you will. The kind of circus it becomes though is entirely up to me. In my mind I can create a story of wonder and adventure where I am strong and fearless ready to walk that tightrope or fly on the trapeze, or I can cast myself in a nightmare circus of the Stephen King variety where I am the helpless victim of a dark evil force, those hungry jaws of failure.

   The question then is how to shift gears, how to change the story? The hardest part is to wake up. Waking up requires a pause and once I am on the tightrope of terror gripping and gasping for air it is hard to pull back. I am gasping and struggling for breath. Aha! Breath! My very wise teacher Megha always says that fear and breath can not exist in the same space. Breath reminds me that all of this really is just a story because it is not an experience of the present moment. It is a projection into an unknown future, it is a dream, an illusion that I have conjured. Breath brings me back to the now, to my body where there is no story beside the state of being in that moment. I can feel my feet on the earth, sink into that support, the illusion drops away and I am safe.  

  We can not exit our stories completely as long as we live in the world, which is full of stimuli, activity, perception and judgment. We can however, learn to have better control over our thoughts and to be vigilant over the reality we create for ourselves. We shape our world and our destiny in our intentions, our perceptions and thoughts, but we can always come home to the simple abundance of the breath and the present moment. The present moment reminds us that we need do nothing because we are always perfectly held and safe. That is my story.     
        

The Grand Excavation

   A couple weeks back my theme in my yoga classes was around the yogic principle that comes from the first limb of yoga, the yamas, satya, or truth. This principle has many layers and subtle nuances but most importantly, as a yoga practitioner, it is what yoga is really all about. All yoga should have as its ultimate goal the awakening of and connection to the true self. The process of doing that can have many expressions and techniques, variety is necessary because every individual has a unique body, a unique set of life experiences, and different blockages and obstacles to confront on this journey of self awakening.

   When I get on my yoga mat or my meditation cushion I enter a space of investigation and curiosity. Every moment of practice is an opportunity to dig into the what is of that moment of experience and breath. The underlying question in this inquiry is , Who am I? Who am I really? In the depths of my inner looking what truth is revealed? It is a grand excavation of an amazing internal landscape.

   Thinking of this process as digging and searching, looking for truth, brought to mind being a kid and playing in my sandbox, imagining I was on a grand adventure in search of buried treasure. It struck me that yoga is or should be just like that! So that week I offered this image to my classes, as how we might choose to enter this practice.

This yoga practice and the search for truth, mine and yours, is like a kid going out to play in a sandbox, searching for hidden treasure. It is fun and enticing, we have our play clothes on, our senses focused, but mind and imagination are open. We get in the sandbox and dig, we unearth many things, all with curiosity and great intrigue. Some things we find are wonderful, old toys we forgot were there, acorns and shiny pebbles. Other times we might hit rock, or a bug or spider might scramble out and fear becomes part of the experience. It is all part of the play, the grand adventure and search for the deeply buried treasure. If we stay the course, no matter from what angle or direction we have come, we will eventually get down to the center and there we will find the most amazing and brilliant jewel, priceless and indescribable in its beauty and splendor.

 Yoga is just like that. We all might have different methods and unique experiences, but eventually we will all arrive in the same place, the truth. The truth that we are shining jewels of love and light, that our deepest contentment and peace are within us and not outside of us. I am in this practice and continue my journey and adventure. I have moments in my digging where I glimpse and feel the purity of that jewel within me, and other moments it feels obscured. The journey is rich, it is fun and delightful, and yes, sometimes it is scary and difficult, but I can't wait to see what I will find next.              

Terrific Terror

  I posted this quote from Georgia O'Keeffe on my facebook page today, “I've been absolutely terrified every moment of my life and I've never let it keep me from doing a single thing that I wanted to do.” 
Yes, this is almost exactly like one of my most favored life mottoes, " I am terrified all the time, but I just show up anyway." Honestly, this is not much of an exaggeration. Some of you who know me might be surprised at this as I generally come across as confident, secure, poised. The truth is that I have been nervous and afraid for as long as I can remember. Anxiety of varying degrees has been a constant companion. The traumas of my life, and there have been many, have rocked my world and sometimes ravaged it, but I have always just kept showing up. I step into the fear and through it. I know that it is only in walking into that fear, though it makes my knees weak, my body tremble, my mind quake, that I will make friends with it, learn the lesson of it. I also have refused to let fear keep me from doing things I want to do. So here is a list of things that I do or have done that I would not have if I let fear get the best of me. 

teach yoga and yoga dance - I love to do this and it fills me up so much but I am almost always afraid up to the moment that class begins and sometimes all the way through class. Taps into my most major fear, fear of rejection. 

run marathons- Afraid to fail, afraid to be weak or in pain.

do triathlons - Cycling and swimming bring me right into my fear of death, so completing these has been a major breakthrough.

try art school - Serious fear, as in order to do photography I had to do classes in other media, a major learning experience for me even though I did not finish.

travel- I lived in Spain for a year, have gone to Costa Rica, go to Australia quite often and travel in the U.S. and I am afraid of flying

snorkel The Great Barrier Reef, zip line in Costa Rica, wall climbing, - All great life adventures I did in varying degrees of terror. 

write a blog- Major fear of rejection involved, not being good, being wrong, being judged. 

take on higher levels of training, assisting programs, doing workshops, leading yoga teacher training -
Saying yes even though I am so unsure, so very afraid.

Do my practice, meditate, pray - These activities are about deep inward looking and not just at the nice stuff but also the dark corners and the exiled and hidden parts, but this is the only way home.  

have a family -This one is huge and I was so completely terrified going into this grand adventure I could barely see straight. I was so afraid I would be horrible at it, so afraid that I would get it wrong and cause a helpless being great suffering and harm. Thank God I stepped through the fear! My family, my husband and kids are the light of my life, they fill my heart and lift my soul.

I could go on and on. My point is that if you are afraid join the club. Fear can only win if you are not willing to step into it. Be terrified, tell someone about it, and then just show up anyway. Take it from me your life will be so much richer if you do. 

       
 

Expect Blessings

 Life is a stream of moments that contain experiences. This stream is constantly moving, shifting, changing. In one moment we might be experiencing joy and happiness and in another moment anger or sorrow. Life is not solid ground and this is a blessing because it keeps us learning and growing. It is easy to view the experiences that we call pleasurable as blessings, it is harder though, to move into experiences that bring discomfort or resistance and find the wisdom, the blessing. Sometimes what seemed like a horrible circumstance, when looked back upon later, becomes an obvious benefactor, an angel that has brought insight or evolution. Even more challenging is to surrender and allow that possibility in in the very moment of the resistance, in the very moment of fear.

 

A dear friend and fellow yoga teacher was talking to me about this very topic as related to our lives as teachers. It is hard to show up in the role of teacher if you had a bad day, or did not sleep well, or just don't feel "on". Sometimes circumstances show up in class beyond our control that bristle the ego and bring up our places of sensitivity and fear. He had one such story which I found touching and a testament to taking a pause and a breath, to summon faith. A reminder to look for and expect blessings to arrive no matter what the initial perception of a situation.   

 

I asked him to write a little about this and he agreed to allow me to share it with you.

 

 

One Angry Yogi

One student showed up at my class recently - the only student in that class, actually. In the past, I'd be upset and wonder why my classes were so poorly attended. Was it me? Do I have bad breath? Am I not sexy? After spending much time alone with myself, doing my meditation, breathing exercises and yoga postures - what us yogis refer to as "sadhana" (pronounced SAHD-NAH) - I began to let go of such worries. I realized that stressing about what others thought about me, and worrying about how many people were coming to my classes was simply a function of my ego itching for attention by distracting me from the beauty of the souls who actually did show up. Now, when even one person comes, I truly believe that is a gift. It is a unique opportunity for me to share my experience with that seeker, and to learn what makes him or her tick. And to be a good listener.

 

  As it turned out, this one student has been known around our town as a very angry person who, in a very nasty way, complains and moans about every little thing, including a perceived failure of our town's government to satisfy his special needs and rights as a taxpayer, etc. Lately, I have begun to notice an almost palpable shift in this student's energy and "vibe". Through the regular practice of yoga over a period of about six months, changes are occurring. Kindness and a real "slowing down" are emerging. A miracle is being born in this angry yogi. That little voice inside this student has said "go and enlighten yourself", and through the grace of the divine, I have been placed in front of my subject to witness transformation of the most profound type. So, when you see someone who gets under your skin, who just rubs you the wrong way, try stepping back for a moment. Pause long enough to withhold judgement. Realize that this individual may in fact have a very precious gift intended just for you.

 

~ Shivaraj Doug Greene

 

This is relevant on so many levels. What in your life today is your "one angry student"? Maybe it is your husband or wife, a colleague, a circumstance, an event or emotion. What are the things that bristle your ego or make you afraid? What if you tried letting your guard down even a little bit and considered the possibility of looking at it from a different angle? When we soften and see challenges as opportunities to play and explore, to become more of who we are......expect blessings, expect miracles.