As the holiday season arrives I have been thinking a lot about the meaning of this time of year and how imperative it is to pause even amidst the shopping, cooking, decorating, to take time away from "to dos" and reflect on the "for whats". This is a time that calls us to see the connectivity and congruency of human experience through time and across cultures. In fact going back to ancient cultures this has been a time of deep reflection and celebration. This is the time when the chill and the dark call us to gather and be warm in each other's company, to slow down and connect, tell stories of the year, to laugh and cry together. It is the time, also, to celebrate the coming of the light, the cycles of life, and beauty of the seasons, a time to let go of what this last year brought and to look into the bright future and world of possibility that lies ahead. This is a time to forgive and let go, to mend and make new, to open our hearts to family, community, and the world in the spirit of love and kindness.
Whether this season has religious significance to us or not there is a resonance that goes beyond specific traditions or dogma. Whoever we are or what we believe, this is a time of magic and miracles. There is a sense that peace and harmony are possible and that the light of goodness is bright in this world. Celebrate, smile, light a candle, sing a song, pray in your own perfect way, dance, hug everyone, especially the children, practice random acts of kindness and open your heart to light and love.
Peace and Joy.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Reflections on the Full Moon
We live in a magical universe of intricate patterns and rhythms, of ancient dances of primal energy and infinite connectivity. This is something we have largely disconnected from as we have moved away from our relationship to the earth and the heavens. The cosmic dance is hard to notice as we busily build careers, raise children, update our statuses, respond to emails, and monitor endless to do lists. The price we pay is that we also have disconnected from intuition and soul connection, our sense of self that is rooted in spirit and love.
A way to get back to that deeper nature of ourselves, and regain a sense of being in the flow, the dance, is the exploration and inquiry of yoga. Many yoga asana, in name and energy, encourage this conscious remembrance of earth, heaven and the infinite universe. We have the classic Surya Namaskara, or sun salutation which is masculine in nature and, for a long time, that was it. After all, yoga asana, and yoga in general, has been largely a male generated art and science. But, some wise yoginis noticed the lack of a salutation to the moon, the feminine aspect and equal partner in the dance, and they created the moon salutation (Chandra Namaskara).
When you think about it we are very much tied to, and influenced by moon energy. The moon controls the cycles of the waters and it's tides. We are mostly water. The cycle of the moon is 28 days and so is the cycle of women. The new moon calls to releasing old patterns and hails new beginnings, the full moon is full of the energies of fruition, abundance, birthing and manifestation.
My yoga class this past Saturday happened to land on the last full moon of the year. I brought lunar exploration to the class. We wrote intentions on pieces of paper at the beginning of class to be charged with full moon energy and the prana of our yoga community. We formed our mats into a full moon circle and explored watery movements and hip opening. The hips are the region of the chakra, or energy center, associated with water, the divine feminine, creativity and manifestation. We did a magical, moving, dance prayer variation of Chandra Namaskara. I asked the students to send the energy of their practice to their intentions with a child consciousness, that place that believes in magic and miracles, that place of pure simple faith. When we set an intention from the fullness of our hearts and spirits, and have faith, the whole universe conspires to bring it to fruition.
The next time you are feeling lost or alone look to the sun, moon, oceans and earth. Follow the patterns of the moon and the sun, the cycles of nature, and dance, go to your mat, gather in circles of intention and prayer. Reconnect. Magic and miracles do happen, wait and see.
I finished the class with this poem by Hafiz:
With That Moon Language
Admit something: Everyone you see, you say to them, "Love me."
Of course you do not do this out loud, otherwise someone would call the cops.
Still though, think about this, this great pull in us to connect. Why not become the one who lives with a full moon in each eye that is always saying, with that sweet moon language, What every other eye in this world is dying to hear?
-Hafiz
A way to get back to that deeper nature of ourselves, and regain a sense of being in the flow, the dance, is the exploration and inquiry of yoga. Many yoga asana, in name and energy, encourage this conscious remembrance of earth, heaven and the infinite universe. We have the classic Surya Namaskara, or sun salutation which is masculine in nature and, for a long time, that was it. After all, yoga asana, and yoga in general, has been largely a male generated art and science. But, some wise yoginis noticed the lack of a salutation to the moon, the feminine aspect and equal partner in the dance, and they created the moon salutation (Chandra Namaskara).
When you think about it we are very much tied to, and influenced by moon energy. The moon controls the cycles of the waters and it's tides. We are mostly water. The cycle of the moon is 28 days and so is the cycle of women. The new moon calls to releasing old patterns and hails new beginnings, the full moon is full of the energies of fruition, abundance, birthing and manifestation.
My yoga class this past Saturday happened to land on the last full moon of the year. I brought lunar exploration to the class. We wrote intentions on pieces of paper at the beginning of class to be charged with full moon energy and the prana of our yoga community. We formed our mats into a full moon circle and explored watery movements and hip opening. The hips are the region of the chakra, or energy center, associated with water, the divine feminine, creativity and manifestation. We did a magical, moving, dance prayer variation of Chandra Namaskara. I asked the students to send the energy of their practice to their intentions with a child consciousness, that place that believes in magic and miracles, that place of pure simple faith. When we set an intention from the fullness of our hearts and spirits, and have faith, the whole universe conspires to bring it to fruition.
The next time you are feeling lost or alone look to the sun, moon, oceans and earth. Follow the patterns of the moon and the sun, the cycles of nature, and dance, go to your mat, gather in circles of intention and prayer. Reconnect. Magic and miracles do happen, wait and see.
I finished the class with this poem by Hafiz:
With That Moon Language
Admit something: Everyone you see, you say to them, "Love me."
Of course you do not do this out loud, otherwise someone would call the cops.
Still though, think about this, this great pull in us to connect. Why not become the one who lives with a full moon in each eye that is always saying, with that sweet moon language, What every other eye in this world is dying to hear?
-Hafiz
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Amazing Journey
I have not posted in ages it seems. I have been on the road for the last three weeks having a yoga teacher training at Kripalu, a trip to Milwaukee for family Thanksgiving and then back to Kripalu to assist Let Your Yoga Dance teacher training. All of it full of happiness, joy and growth.
The first leg of the journey was part two of a yearlong training I am in called the Acharya Intensive. In this intensive I, along with eleven other beautiful soul teachers, are receiving training in the teachings of Swami Kripalu from two of his direct students and senior Kripalu faculty. It is an honor and great privilege to have been selected and take part in this journey of transformation.
Swami Kripalu said the first yoga practice is love and the highest spiritual practice is self observation without judgment. During this year of study we are diving into these practices. Using our community of support, sacred space, and the fundamental practices of pranayama, asana, meditation, prayer and puja we have joined to courageously participate in a practice of self discovery.
The real intention and purpose of yoga is to reclaim our true selves and find liberation. Part of this process requires us to dig into, to excavate, our wounded places and the parts we have resisted. These places (negative samskaras), have intense energy waiting to be unblocked and transformed. Everything in us, both the darkness and the light is part of this truth, that we are beings of love. Even hate, jealously, malice, shame, the shadow realms, are part of that truth. We are who we are, but illusion and ignorance block our vision. We are buried treasures just waiting to be uncovered. That is the purpose of yoga, to remember who we are.
Read this prayer that Swami Kripalu delivered to my teacher Vidya in her moment of need and know that it is a prayer for us all.
"My beloved child,
Break your heart no longer.
Each time you judge yourself,
you break your own heart.
You stop feeding on the love which is the wellspring
of your vitality.
The time has come, your time,
to live, to celebrate, to see the goodness that you are.
"Evil" is the word "live" turned inside out.
There is no evil, no wrong,
in you or any other.
There is only the thought of it and the thought
has no substance.
What is so-----is that you are-----So DEAR
So DIVINE
So VERY VERY PURE
Let no one, no thing, no idea or ideal obstruct you.
If one comes, even in the name of truth, forgive it
for it's unknowing.
Do not fight the dark.
Let go, aware of the light,
And breathe, into the goodness that you are."
More to come on this journey in upcoming posts, until then Jai Bhagwan and Hakuna Matata.
The first leg of the journey was part two of a yearlong training I am in called the Acharya Intensive. In this intensive I, along with eleven other beautiful soul teachers, are receiving training in the teachings of Swami Kripalu from two of his direct students and senior Kripalu faculty. It is an honor and great privilege to have been selected and take part in this journey of transformation.
Swami Kripalu said the first yoga practice is love and the highest spiritual practice is self observation without judgment. During this year of study we are diving into these practices. Using our community of support, sacred space, and the fundamental practices of pranayama, asana, meditation, prayer and puja we have joined to courageously participate in a practice of self discovery.
The real intention and purpose of yoga is to reclaim our true selves and find liberation. Part of this process requires us to dig into, to excavate, our wounded places and the parts we have resisted. These places (negative samskaras), have intense energy waiting to be unblocked and transformed. Everything in us, both the darkness and the light is part of this truth, that we are beings of love. Even hate, jealously, malice, shame, the shadow realms, are part of that truth. We are who we are, but illusion and ignorance block our vision. We are buried treasures just waiting to be uncovered. That is the purpose of yoga, to remember who we are.
Read this prayer that Swami Kripalu delivered to my teacher Vidya in her moment of need and know that it is a prayer for us all.
"My beloved child,
Break your heart no longer.
Each time you judge yourself,
you break your own heart.
You stop feeding on the love which is the wellspring
of your vitality.
The time has come, your time,
to live, to celebrate, to see the goodness that you are.
"Evil" is the word "live" turned inside out.
There is no evil, no wrong,
in you or any other.
There is only the thought of it and the thought
has no substance.
What is so-----is that you are-----So DEAR
So DIVINE
So VERY VERY PURE
Let no one, no thing, no idea or ideal obstruct you.
If one comes, even in the name of truth, forgive it
for it's unknowing.
Do not fight the dark.
Let go, aware of the light,
And breathe, into the goodness that you are."
More to come on this journey in upcoming posts, until then Jai Bhagwan and Hakuna Matata.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Deja Vu All Over Again
It seems that mother nature is trying to tell us something here in Connecticut. At the end of August we had Hurricane Irene come in and rock our boats, leave behind damage, and for many, including my family, days without power. Irene was said to be unprecedented in the usually undramatic weather world of this region, so once power was restored and clean up began, we all said how glad we were to have that all behind us. Then two weeks ago the weatherman started talking about a nor'easter making it's way with it's sights set on us. There were warnings that it could wallop us with 6-12 inches of snow and take out power lines. When all was said and done, for the interior portions of Connecticut, Albert showed us that we had not seen anything yet.
We lost power in our house for nearly seven days, and right now there are still people with no power.This storm took trees down in every yard and street, tangles of power and cable lines hung down lifeless. In my town this scene made Irene seem small and insignificant, and yet again, miraculously most homes managed to dodge the barrage of limbs and trees. It could have been so much worse. The ensuing days of kids home from school, with a symphony of generators as a soundtrack, was tiring and stress levels rose each day. Even now people are angry about how long they had to go without power. Investigations have been launched and fingers are being pointed furiously. And yes, I think it could have been done better, and adjustments need to be made. I admit I felt whiny, irritated, and impatient.
Since the event, I have been thinking about what the lesson is here for me in particular. What has come up for me is a realization that I have entitlement issues. This is somewhat amusing, as I am one who has talked to other parents about the problem of entitlement that I see amongst the kids in this community and what I do to parent around this. As dramatic as the loss of power, phone etc. seemed at the time, I have to admit it was really no big deal at all for me. I did not suffer any real hardship, none at all. We have a generator so we did not lose food, we had heat and hot water and even a television. I know these were the conditions for a lot of families, and those who did not have generators had an easily accessible shelter or went to hotels or to stay with relatives. And yet, the complaining and woe is us attitude has been pervasive, and yes, I am pointing this finger squarely in my own direction.
What is the problem here? The problem is that I take too many things for granted and have a very limited view of the world and life from where I am. Sure, I read or watch the news and know that in other places, other towns, states, countries there is poverty, famine, and real disasters where people die and lose everything they have. There are places where most of the people have never had all of these things that I assume should be there for me, food, water, electricity, schools. If these people heard my complaining over this non event I think they would probably want to laugh in my face or more likely punch me in it, and I would not blame them.
What Albert came to remind me is that things can happen and everything I take for granted could as easily be taken from me. What can't be taken from me though, is my ability to grow and expand, my compassion and my gratitude, the capacity to love. These are infinite sources of power no matter what circumstances might come. Thanks Irene and Albert, I won't miss you but I appreciate what you taught me.
We lost power in our house for nearly seven days, and right now there are still people with no power.This storm took trees down in every yard and street, tangles of power and cable lines hung down lifeless. In my town this scene made Irene seem small and insignificant, and yet again, miraculously most homes managed to dodge the barrage of limbs and trees. It could have been so much worse. The ensuing days of kids home from school, with a symphony of generators as a soundtrack, was tiring and stress levels rose each day. Even now people are angry about how long they had to go without power. Investigations have been launched and fingers are being pointed furiously. And yes, I think it could have been done better, and adjustments need to be made. I admit I felt whiny, irritated, and impatient.
Since the event, I have been thinking about what the lesson is here for me in particular. What has come up for me is a realization that I have entitlement issues. This is somewhat amusing, as I am one who has talked to other parents about the problem of entitlement that I see amongst the kids in this community and what I do to parent around this. As dramatic as the loss of power, phone etc. seemed at the time, I have to admit it was really no big deal at all for me. I did not suffer any real hardship, none at all. We have a generator so we did not lose food, we had heat and hot water and even a television. I know these were the conditions for a lot of families, and those who did not have generators had an easily accessible shelter or went to hotels or to stay with relatives. And yet, the complaining and woe is us attitude has been pervasive, and yes, I am pointing this finger squarely in my own direction.
What is the problem here? The problem is that I take too many things for granted and have a very limited view of the world and life from where I am. Sure, I read or watch the news and know that in other places, other towns, states, countries there is poverty, famine, and real disasters where people die and lose everything they have. There are places where most of the people have never had all of these things that I assume should be there for me, food, water, electricity, schools. If these people heard my complaining over this non event I think they would probably want to laugh in my face or more likely punch me in it, and I would not blame them.
What Albert came to remind me is that things can happen and everything I take for granted could as easily be taken from me. What can't be taken from me though, is my ability to grow and expand, my compassion and my gratitude, the capacity to love. These are infinite sources of power no matter what circumstances might come. Thanks Irene and Albert, I won't miss you but I appreciate what you taught me.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
My New Mantra
I have decided to take on a mantra for this year and it is "Don't Try So Hard!". In a recent conversation with one of my wise teachers we examined my tendency to hold myself to a strict and high standard especially in my yoga teaching, and how I beat myself up when I feel I have not performed or shown up the way I want to. I try so very hard, and what it is really about is feeling I need to prove myself worthy. The problem is that that place that seeks to be filled is never satisfied, no matter how hard I might try or how good I might be. This method is madness.
There is a saying, "When you know better, you do better.", I am finally identifying and owning this dysfunctional pattern and now with my mantra as my guide I can continue to make friends with this wounded space and give it what it needs to heal. I have already made some real progress and find myself being less reactive when I make a mistake or things don't come out exceptional in my mind.
I remember in the module on transformational teaching in my 500 hour yoga teacher training Vidya and Devarshi saying "Hear the truth. You are already perfect, complete, infinite and whole just as you are.". I wanted to believe that concept and in truth the deepest part of me did, but this black hole wound kept it from shining through. It is faith in those words though which will fill the hole, nothing else will.
Imagine what it would be like if we all took on this mantra and treated ourselves with less strictness and judgment. What if instead of "Do more, try harder." we could embrace "Do less, be softer."? I don't think this is a call to apathy or laziness. I think it is a call to balance and respect of energy. A good friend recently said to me in a conversation about this very topic of my insecurity in teaching, "Just be yourself, and it will be perfect.", and now I pass that on to you. Whatever you do in any moment, just be yourself, and know, really know, breathe it in, that that is enough.
There is a saying, "When you know better, you do better.", I am finally identifying and owning this dysfunctional pattern and now with my mantra as my guide I can continue to make friends with this wounded space and give it what it needs to heal. I have already made some real progress and find myself being less reactive when I make a mistake or things don't come out exceptional in my mind.
I remember in the module on transformational teaching in my 500 hour yoga teacher training Vidya and Devarshi saying "Hear the truth. You are already perfect, complete, infinite and whole just as you are.". I wanted to believe that concept and in truth the deepest part of me did, but this black hole wound kept it from shining through. It is faith in those words though which will fill the hole, nothing else will.
Imagine what it would be like if we all took on this mantra and treated ourselves with less strictness and judgment. What if instead of "Do more, try harder." we could embrace "Do less, be softer."? I don't think this is a call to apathy or laziness. I think it is a call to balance and respect of energy. A good friend recently said to me in a conversation about this very topic of my insecurity in teaching, "Just be yourself, and it will be perfect.", and now I pass that on to you. Whatever you do in any moment, just be yourself, and know, really know, breathe it in, that that is enough.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Looking Back on the Thirties, Moving Forward Into the Forties
"Forty is a most beautiful age. In mystic thought forty symbolizes the ascent from one level to a higher one and spiritual awakening. When a baby is born it takes forty days for him to get ready to start life on earth. And when we are in love we need to wait forty days to be sure of our feelings. The Flood of Noah lasted forty days, and while the waters destroyed life, they also washed all impurity away. In Islamic mysticism there are forty degrees between man and God. Likewise there are four basic stages of consciousness and ten degrees in each making forty total levels. Jesus went into the wilderness for forty days and nights. Muhammad was forty years old when he received the call to become a prophet. Buddha meditated under the linden tree for forty days. You receive a new mission at forty, a new lease on life! You have reached a most auspicious number. Congratulations! There are no wrinkles or gray hair strong enough to defy the power of forty!" ~ from "The Forty Rules of Love ~ A Novel of Rumi" by Elif Shafak
I turned forty today. I must say I am excited about entering this next decade. As opposed to my teens, twenties and even much of my thirties I feel grounded and secure. I know what moves me, I know what I love (and what I don't), I feel alive and vital and have a growing sense of my depth of spirit and with all the work and wonder, adventure and agony, fear and ferocity that has gotten me thus far I am tingling with anticipation of what lies ahead.
My teens and early twenties were very difficult and painful years for me. I struggled with low self -esteem , depression and anxiety. I made a lot of bad choices and by the grace of God got by without suffering the full consequences of those choices. I was very unhealthy. I drank, smoked and did everything to excess. Most of all I was a lost soul who had no sense of self or worthiness. No direction.
My twenties were about beginning to reclaim myself and to begin the difficult work of self inquiry and inspection. In my twenties I found love and got married, began to realize that I have value and ability, that I had more potential and courage than I had ever recognized before. By the end of my twenties I had done much soul searching, crying, battling, adventuring and questioning. I had two children by the age of twenty nine and despite my terror about being a mother I loved them intensely from the fist moment they each arrived.
My thirties have been a true decade of transformation, revolution and coming home. My thirties have been a WOW, never thought that would happen, amazing journey with a voice whispering to me along the way "Remember who you are." In this transformation have been struggles and mistakes and heartbreak but coupled with so much joy and awakening unlike ever before. So as I leave this marvelous and messy decade behind I want to acknowledge here, with gratitude, some of the wonderful things it has brought me.
~ Two more daughters. Meg who came to us through foster care at the age of 12 and then we became her legal guardians, and the birth of Harper. Mason is our son and eldest turning 13 soon, and Avery our other daughter is 10.
~ I found yoga and knew immediately it would be my life calling. Yoga is my way of being and my spiritual path.
~ I explored art and photography and have shown in galleries.
~Became a yoga teacher. First earning my 200 hour and then my 500 hour certificates.
~ I have moved to the East Coast, with my amazing husband and kids and have been in New York and now Connecticut (close to my spiritual home Kripalu Center).
~ I met Jill Perry and with her help and guidance have become a marathon runner. NEVER thought I could or would ever achieve that!
~ Started Whole Running with Jill Perry. Starting and running a small business another never would have thought.
~ Found Yoga Dance and beloved teacher Megha who has been like my mother of dance. She showed me the way home to the dancer I have always been. Became a Let Your Yoga Dance teacher and now assist the trainings.
~ Found my spiritual teacher Vidya Ma who showed me that miracles do happen because we made one happen.
~ I am currently in a yearlong teacher training called The Acharya Intensive with Vidya Ma and Devarshi learning and exploring what it means to be a spiritual teacher. ME a SPIRITUAL TEACHER? Yes, everything in me knows I am where I am supposed to be.
I feel so very blessed for all that I have and for the learning I have received thus far. I look forward to experiencing and celebrating all that is to come whether it be happiness or hardship. All experience arrives right on time and for good reason to further our growth and awakening. Everything calls us home to love, the true and endless nature of all of us.
To end here is a quote that showed up on Facebook today.
an excerpt from Universal Birthday Messages
by Shri Brahmananda Sarasvati
...
The first and last command of the inner Guru is this: not to have identity with the body and mind. You are not the body and mind, although you have a body and mind. Body and mind are your vehicles. They depend on you.
They are alive because of you; otherwise, they are already dead.
You are the ocean of awareness, and that awareness is the first and last religion, the first and last freedom. Awareness is your real home, which is called OM.
I turned forty today. I must say I am excited about entering this next decade. As opposed to my teens, twenties and even much of my thirties I feel grounded and secure. I know what moves me, I know what I love (and what I don't), I feel alive and vital and have a growing sense of my depth of spirit and with all the work and wonder, adventure and agony, fear and ferocity that has gotten me thus far I am tingling with anticipation of what lies ahead.
My teens and early twenties were very difficult and painful years for me. I struggled with low self -esteem , depression and anxiety. I made a lot of bad choices and by the grace of God got by without suffering the full consequences of those choices. I was very unhealthy. I drank, smoked and did everything to excess. Most of all I was a lost soul who had no sense of self or worthiness. No direction.
My twenties were about beginning to reclaim myself and to begin the difficult work of self inquiry and inspection. In my twenties I found love and got married, began to realize that I have value and ability, that I had more potential and courage than I had ever recognized before. By the end of my twenties I had done much soul searching, crying, battling, adventuring and questioning. I had two children by the age of twenty nine and despite my terror about being a mother I loved them intensely from the fist moment they each arrived.
My thirties have been a true decade of transformation, revolution and coming home. My thirties have been a WOW, never thought that would happen, amazing journey with a voice whispering to me along the way "Remember who you are." In this transformation have been struggles and mistakes and heartbreak but coupled with so much joy and awakening unlike ever before. So as I leave this marvelous and messy decade behind I want to acknowledge here, with gratitude, some of the wonderful things it has brought me.
~ Two more daughters. Meg who came to us through foster care at the age of 12 and then we became her legal guardians, and the birth of Harper. Mason is our son and eldest turning 13 soon, and Avery our other daughter is 10.
~ I found yoga and knew immediately it would be my life calling. Yoga is my way of being and my spiritual path.
~ I explored art and photography and have shown in galleries.
~Became a yoga teacher. First earning my 200 hour and then my 500 hour certificates.
~ I have moved to the East Coast, with my amazing husband and kids and have been in New York and now Connecticut (close to my spiritual home Kripalu Center).
~ I met Jill Perry and with her help and guidance have become a marathon runner. NEVER thought I could or would ever achieve that!
~ Started Whole Running with Jill Perry. Starting and running a small business another never would have thought.
~ Found Yoga Dance and beloved teacher Megha who has been like my mother of dance. She showed me the way home to the dancer I have always been. Became a Let Your Yoga Dance teacher and now assist the trainings.
~ Found my spiritual teacher Vidya Ma who showed me that miracles do happen because we made one happen.
~ I am currently in a yearlong teacher training called The Acharya Intensive with Vidya Ma and Devarshi learning and exploring what it means to be a spiritual teacher. ME a SPIRITUAL TEACHER? Yes, everything in me knows I am where I am supposed to be.
I feel so very blessed for all that I have and for the learning I have received thus far. I look forward to experiencing and celebrating all that is to come whether it be happiness or hardship. All experience arrives right on time and for good reason to further our growth and awakening. Everything calls us home to love, the true and endless nature of all of us.
To end here is a quote that showed up on Facebook today.
an excerpt from Universal Birthday Messages
by Shri Brahmananda Sarasvati
...
The first and last command of the inner Guru is this: not to have identity with the body and mind. You are not the body and mind, although you have a body and mind. Body and mind are your vehicles. They depend on you.
They are alive because of you; otherwise, they are already dead.
You are the ocean of awareness, and that awareness is the first and last religion, the first and last freedom. Awareness is your real home, which is called OM.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Marvelous Mess Ups in a Yoga Class Gone Right
I spent this past week at my spiritual home in this life, Kripalu Center, in the beautiful Berkshires of Massachusetts. I was there doing one of the things I love most, assisting Let Your Yoga Dance teacher training. One of my jobs in the program is to lead morning yoga class for our group. My first time up came Tuesday morning and I was feeling quite nervous as there were several fabulous and experienced yoga teachers in the group, as well as some people with little yoga experience at all. I am a planner and bit of a control freak with my classes and I hold high expectations of myself. I spent Monday night writing my plan and feeling the sequencing, and then dreamt of it during my sparse sleep that night.
I arrived in the room early to move, breathe, and find my courage as well as my center. At 6:30 a.m. everyone had arrived and class began. As I got the group moving in gentle warm ups, I found my rhythm and was feeling connected and at ease. We eventually made our way into a sequence of spinal movements and flow, a graceful dance of movement and breath. My planned transition came and then a voice from the front of the room asked, "Don't we need to do the other side?". My heart skipped a beat and my breath caught in my throat. I waited to feel the crushing pain of my mistake, my heartbreak in the failure. Instead, to my own shock and surprise, it did not come, and instead I found myself smiling, with a light heart. I made a comment about being a little vata (airy) and saying that of course we will do the other side. That was that, a moment of experience, and then it was gone.
I continued class, found my flow again, and in no time relaxation was upon us. I put on some dreamy music and gave the class guidance in letting go and finding stillness. I could feel the energy of the room become quiet and expansive and I felt quite happy and complete. That is when the fire alarm went off. Again, I paused to receive the panic and resistance, and again it did not come. Instead I found another inner smile and giggle, and I spoke into the microphone in a deep slow tone, "Your relaxation has come to an end. (and then a quick deadpan) Om shanti. Run for your lives." Everyone rose up with laughter fluttering through the room, and we made our way outside. It was cool and rainy but I took deep breaths and just kept smiling.
Afterward, I felt such a glowing pride and sense of victory. I have a strong and sometimes brutal inner critic and tend to hold myself to strict standards from a fear of rejection. God forbid I would make a mistake or lose control, then everyone would see my flawed messy self and be done with me. Ridiculous and irrational? Yes, but who isn't, in these soft, tender, hidden regions? Chances are you might feel this way too and now you know you are not alone. Victory is possible. On this day, in this class, a miracle happened. The miracle of me finding compassion instead of criticism, for no one but myself. I found my natural sense of humor and lightness of being. I received experience without attachment or judgment. I encountered my witness consciousness in a place where it would usually succumb to the strong forces of my story of rejection. Wow, what a blessing, what a rush of freedom!
I am sure that this is a part of myself that I will face again and again, but I now have a jumping off point to go to. I have a new storyline and a new way of being with this part of myself. I know and I teach that the only way to heal fully is to embrace all parts of ourselves, the parts we love and the parts we disdain. Yoga means union, to welcome it all and find the marvelous miracle of who we are, even in the mess, the loss of control, the undoing of plans. Yoga is learning to love ourselves without exception or condition, a difficult practice, but one full of grace.
Om shanti.
I arrived in the room early to move, breathe, and find my courage as well as my center. At 6:30 a.m. everyone had arrived and class began. As I got the group moving in gentle warm ups, I found my rhythm and was feeling connected and at ease. We eventually made our way into a sequence of spinal movements and flow, a graceful dance of movement and breath. My planned transition came and then a voice from the front of the room asked, "Don't we need to do the other side?". My heart skipped a beat and my breath caught in my throat. I waited to feel the crushing pain of my mistake, my heartbreak in the failure. Instead, to my own shock and surprise, it did not come, and instead I found myself smiling, with a light heart. I made a comment about being a little vata (airy) and saying that of course we will do the other side. That was that, a moment of experience, and then it was gone.
I continued class, found my flow again, and in no time relaxation was upon us. I put on some dreamy music and gave the class guidance in letting go and finding stillness. I could feel the energy of the room become quiet and expansive and I felt quite happy and complete. That is when the fire alarm went off. Again, I paused to receive the panic and resistance, and again it did not come. Instead I found another inner smile and giggle, and I spoke into the microphone in a deep slow tone, "Your relaxation has come to an end. (and then a quick deadpan) Om shanti. Run for your lives." Everyone rose up with laughter fluttering through the room, and we made our way outside. It was cool and rainy but I took deep breaths and just kept smiling.
Afterward, I felt such a glowing pride and sense of victory. I have a strong and sometimes brutal inner critic and tend to hold myself to strict standards from a fear of rejection. God forbid I would make a mistake or lose control, then everyone would see my flawed messy self and be done with me. Ridiculous and irrational? Yes, but who isn't, in these soft, tender, hidden regions? Chances are you might feel this way too and now you know you are not alone. Victory is possible. On this day, in this class, a miracle happened. The miracle of me finding compassion instead of criticism, for no one but myself. I found my natural sense of humor and lightness of being. I received experience without attachment or judgment. I encountered my witness consciousness in a place where it would usually succumb to the strong forces of my story of rejection. Wow, what a blessing, what a rush of freedom!
I am sure that this is a part of myself that I will face again and again, but I now have a jumping off point to go to. I have a new storyline and a new way of being with this part of myself. I know and I teach that the only way to heal fully is to embrace all parts of ourselves, the parts we love and the parts we disdain. Yoga means union, to welcome it all and find the marvelous miracle of who we are, even in the mess, the loss of control, the undoing of plans. Yoga is learning to love ourselves without exception or condition, a difficult practice, but one full of grace.
Om shanti.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)